My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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