Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
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Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
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They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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