everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
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I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
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Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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