You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
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I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
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I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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