oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
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You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
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I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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