it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
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I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
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He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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