clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
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i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
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If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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