i already hear my dad disowning me
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
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your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
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because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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