saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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