ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
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The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
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I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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