Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize