I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
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There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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