I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
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