I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
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Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
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I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
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