Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
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When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
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When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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