every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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