I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
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I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
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Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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