Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
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Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
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Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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