Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize