Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
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i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
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The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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