he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
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he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
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Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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