the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
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Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
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I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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