Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
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I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
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Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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