I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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