so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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