either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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