apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
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Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
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It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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