I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
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so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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