I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
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I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
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By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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