i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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