take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
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I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
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I'm gonna fight the coyote
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize