i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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