Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
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I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
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