i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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