I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
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Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
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Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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