I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
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So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
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Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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