can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
COCAINE IS GR8
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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