i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
She needs sedatives and a leash
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
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