idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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