My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize