Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize