Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My pussy is not your playground.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
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