I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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