I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
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I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
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I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
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