I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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