Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
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I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
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Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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