His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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