Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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