that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
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He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
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I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
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