I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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